Just Stop Attending All Social Events |The Source

By Wunmi Tunde Obe:

They will organise a ‘small’ social event, invite 50 -100 guests and space the tables two -feet apart. The guests will come, wearing masks, and have their temperatures taken at the entrance –  including the asymptomatic ones.

They will wash their hands at the door,  then go in and settle down.

It’s been a long hot day, and so you proceed to help yourself to the drinks already placed on your table. You pour yourself a glass and remove your face mask to drink. The music is blaring and so the server is practically within kissing distance, to hear and take your order.

You’re still not wearing your mask, but it’s okay  because the tables are two-feet apart. You washed your hands at the entrance, your temperature read normal and you came in wearing your mask.

He proceeds to take all other orders on your table and elsewhere in the same fashion.  While drinking, your long, lost friend walks by and you stand up to embrace each other and catch up for five minutes at close range because the music is loud.

Your mask is still off, but it’s okay because the tables have been set two-feet apart. You came in wearing your mask, washed your hands at the entrance and your temperature read ‘normal’.

Then it’s time for the celebrant’s dance. Many guests join in at the dance floor, gathering close together so the celebrant can notice them as they spray, congratulate and embrace them. They proceed to spray the band’s vocalist too, who unfortunately cannot sing wearing the mask because his voice wouldn’t be ‘clean’.

But you in your infinite wisdom, choose to remain in your seat for safety reasons and so you feel safe. After all, your tables have been set two feet apart. You came in with your mask, washed your hands at the door, and your temp read normal.

After the dance-a-thon, the guests make their ways back to their respective tables, the very familiar ones passing by, acknowledging you with a rub on your shoulder. One or two actually stop over and bend to give you a light hug with pleasantries.. By now your mask is neatly tucked away in your bag, so the ofada sauce doesn’t stain it. In fact, everyone’s mask is now either on the table, under their chins, in their bags or below their nostrils.

But it’s okay though because the tables remain two feet apart, you all came in wearing your masks, washed your hands at the door and your temperature read normal.

And now they’re serving the small chops- different servers. These ones are actually wearing their own masks but with their large nostrils in full view, gleefully distributing any and everything they might’ve inhaled from the other table, exhaling and collecting from yours, to distribute elsewhere. But it’s cool because you just remembered you have hand sanitizer in your bag. Coupled with that, the tables are still two feet apart, you came in wearing a mask, washed your hands at the door and your temperature read normal.. what again?

Anyway, the party is really in full swing now because the band has rounded up, D.J has taken over and so has the alcohol. People are now on their feet by their tables dancing in groups to the old school jams while others are trying to out-shaku themselves to Naira Marley’s beats.

The third set of servers, completely devoid of the face masks have begun weaving through the small tipsy crowd to distribute fish and chips, while others are picking empty bottles off the floor. Another set has also begun distributing souvenirs..

All in all, the event was a blast, very well organized. And they even paid attention to all the necessary safety protocols.

Two to four days later, you’re down with a fever, you can’t smell or taste a thing and you cannot walk three steps without losing your breath. You’re also coughing and your throat itches like crazy. Thus you begin treating yourself for malaria and flu.  Because you’re thinking – surely it’s got to be one or the other? Because you never go out – the only place you’ve been to in the last four weeks was that party at the weekend, and they were very meticulous in following the safety guidelines..

Everyone went in wearing their masks, temperatures were taken at the door, everyone washed and sanitized their hands before entry and the tables inside were spaced two feet apart for effective social distancing, so how could it possibly be COVID?

Er.. ,Should we tell them?